There's No Going Back
From 2016 - 2018, I kept a journal. Actually, I've kept a journal on and off my whole life... But while I was going through a tremendous amount of emotional healing pre-ascension, pre-counterpart through the physical nature of Lyme disease, I kept a journal. It was a planner, really. Beautiful Moleskins of The Little Prince and Alice and Wonderland in which each day I'd write what I was grateful for or a particular quote or longer memories that stretched for pages of moments I wanted to remember. I'm packing up my house little by little. Today, I packed up most of my writing, including these journals. After reflecting on letters and cards and pages of healing in my memory box, it felt appropriate to look through them, like a glimpse into the past version of myself--not as someone to hold onto, but as something to let go, integrating that past version of who I was by giving thanks to her and recognizing the forward direction I've always been heading and where I'm finding the strength to keep looking forward now.
This passage was written on February 7, 2018--only a few short months after I "met" my person and was launched on the wild and crazy ride of accelerated growth and expansion called ascension. I'm finding what I'm experiencing now is the deepest layer of what I'd just begun to uncover then... * * * "These past six months--the past year, really--I've been finding my faith again, renewing my spirituality and my connection with God. I used to hide him beneath a superficial mask, calling him the Universe--and sometimes those words feel more appropriate, more all-encompassing--but really, it was just a way for me to remain separate, to keep my distance. I've been angry at God for so long, feeling so lost and abandoned by him. So betrayed. First through loss after loss after loss. Then through these years of illness. I thought, how could a benevolent God want such suffering? How could he bring such devastation and pain? Then, slowly, as I began to heal my body, I also began to heal my spirit. I realized that it wasn't pain he was bringing to my life, but love. Hope. Strength. Everything Ineeded to walk through this darkness and grow so I could rediscover myself, my worth, my own soul. And by rediscovering myself, honoring myself, I'm forging new bonds with God. Spirituality, I've learned, doesn't mean pretending everything is love and light all the time. Spirituality means acknowledging our human existence and remembering the soul that resides within this body. Spirituality means seeing the darkness and giving it space and respect because even in the darkness, we grow. It means finding the courage, the strength, the faith to walk through that darkness, knowing we are never alone and that we will come out the other side transformed. We can have doubts. We can be afraid. Fear is an illusion that keeps us from love, yes. But fear is never fear itself. Fear is just the mask that's worn while underneath lies the real issue, the true wound and block to love, waiting for you to dig deep and unveil it and bring it back into the light. Because that's where the love is... That's where the courage comes from--the strength, the faith. That's where the healing happens. Everything lies in loving yourself enough to face yourself. From there the love extends ever-outward."