Shattered today. Today I’m feeling everything. Every second of every minute of every hour of this journey and I’m feeling it all, like it’s all collapsing in on me.
I will never understand why we were made to come together only to be torn apart. I will never understand why I had such a feeling of home with him if he was never meant to be my home. I will never understand how I was made to love him if a love that strong wasn’t meant to be reciprocated.
That’s a lie. I do understand.
This journey was meant to teach, to help us to evolve. As awakened as I thought I had been, I had so much further yet to go, and I have further still. Awakening is an unending journey, but I have to believe that at some point it will be less painful. At some point I have to believe in the love again—and a love without this pain.
I don’t regret a single second of this journey. Not just because it led me here to this place within my own transformation—and I’m so fucking proud of who I’ve become, who I never imagined myself I could be. But it led me to him. And I love him. And as many times as I try to stop, I can’t. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is decide to walk away, but it was never to walk away from him. It was only from this pain, for my own self-love. Even without him, I love him still.
But I also can’t break through resistance. It’s like scaling a wall only to find a thousand other walls behind it. I can’t break through and maybe I shouldn’t try. It’s not my job. For nearly two years I carried that, hoping we could heal together, fight together. But I can’t hold us up anymore. Maybe someone else can do what I couldn’t.
But I can let my own resistance down and do the only thing I know to do best...
To keep the love in my heart. There’s never a choice in that, anyway. The love remains.
In this moment, I’m grieving.
Later, I’ll pull myself out of bed, take a shower, have a nice dinner.
Tomorrow, I’ll hit the road to visit one of my best friends from college.
Every day we begin again but every moment is another chance to love.
And so I love.
And so I love.