I haven’t been feeling well the past few days—these solar storms on the heels of the full moon have been intense, and I’ve found myself in need of rest and clearing of the mind.
The past few days—even weeks—I’ve been in a place of detachment from my Divine Masculine. I felt amazing. I felt powerful. I felt re-focused.
Now I’m feeling everything.
This is more purging, my spirit guides are telling me. I feel my angels around me, comforting me through this pain as I cry out, “when will this end?” Because I just want it to end. In either direction, just make this cycle end.
I’ve let go of the hope for a romantic outcome with my Divine Masculine. I’ve let go of the idea that we might still share the connection we once did. I’ve let go of timing around union and I’ve even let go of the idea of coming into union itself. Finally, I’ve let go of my Divine Masculine as a whole—considering that maybe I’ve been wrong all along and he isn’t my Divine Masculine at all but that we’ve merely been the catalyst for each other’s ascension journey.
I expressed gratitude for that. This journey has transformed me in more ways than I could even imagine—accelerating my growth and bringing in more blessings than I could count. What’s more—I fell in love with a wonderful man and learned to love truly and unconditionally, to open my heart without the promise of love back. Even more than that,
I’ve learned to experience love back and to trust my own intuition, my own heart. Those are gifts I would never replace.
Still, despite those doubts, here I am believing. Opening my heart again at risk of disappointment, at risk of more pain. And you know what? It’s fucking painful. Because I’m trying so hard to trust but it feels like every time I do, this journey smacks me in the face with fresh wounding I don’t know how to heal anymore.
My physical reality doesn’t match what I feel inside—it hasn’t for nearly two years—and still I believe. My relationship feels like it’s disintegrated, and still I believe. There’s nothing pointing to forward movement, yet still I believe. A new beginning hovers, but it feels like everything is the same.
Still I believe.
What is left for me to detach from? What is left for me to let go of? Belief in this? Belief in this journey? Because I can’t stop believing in myself. And I can’t stop believing in the universe.
So maybe I just surrender there.
Okay, Universe. I might not be his, but I’m yours. I beg you...
Please gift me with the miracle of faith to never stop believing in you.